I have gone back and forth on posting this blog post, mainly because it is something very hard and close to me. I don’t really like to talk about anxiety but I think that is because of the stigma that was around it while I grew up. Nobody really knew what anxiety attacks were when I was younger and you were sort of a outcast because people saw something wrong with you, which I have learned is not true. January 2016 I developed a different form of anxiety that I had to deal with. Only a handful of people know that 2016 was the hardest year for me dealing with anxiety. I honestly could not leave the house without having horrible panic attacks. I made up excuses to close friends, family, and even myself. I even dropped out of music and guitar classes. As 2016 ended I looked back and only had three photos of things that I had done that year and cried. I knew then that I had to get it under control and booked a appointment with my doctor.
Here was the hard part, the night before my doctors appointment I cried in my room because I looked at myself as a failure. Like I could not deal with what life had thrown at me and had to get on medicine to cope with it. It was a horrible stigma that I had picked up from being on medication so young. I had to unlearn that and learn that I was helping myself and that if I wanted to continue living life the best way that I could then I needed to do what was right for me. I had lost friendships and memories that I could have lived but here I was with crippling anxiety. So the doctors appointment was stressful also, as you would imagine. I even kept me being on medication for anxiety a secret that only my mom and dad knew, not even my sister knew. It wasn’t until my alarm went off to take my pill that I was faced to actually do it. Thankfully it was around family first, then friends later. But everyone was so supportive about it and let me know that we all go through shit in life and we have two choices to either fix it or let it consume us.
So being on anxiety medication for a year was a huge difference than 2016. I traveled by myself, I traveled to Colorado with my cousins, I went to a concert alone, picked up music again, and learned to have confidence in who I was. It even led me to create this amazing platform that has opened up amazing hobbies and really cool friendships with people all over the world. In a way I like to look at it as a stepping stone to me finding out who I was and my interests. I am not writing this blog post for sympathy because that is the last thing I want but to bring awareness to anyone who is struggling with any sort of mental illness. There is hope and there are people out there who want to help you and watch you succeed. Here is to anyone dealing with any type of obstacle in life, I truly believe in you and hope you live the best life you can in 2018. Also a huge thank you to Erica at FashionLush, Lauren Elizabeth, and Zoella for being so open on their struggles with anxiety and giving me the push to seek help.